White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
