I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
