No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
