drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
