Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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