I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
