you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
