the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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