Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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