Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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