the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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