Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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