So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
