I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
