...so i touched it.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
