Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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