i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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