i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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