i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
