It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
