Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
