The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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