Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Text me some of your sweat
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
