Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
