i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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