I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
