Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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