Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
