last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
