she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
