Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
