what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
