i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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