party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
