His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
