We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
