I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
