True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
