how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
is wine microwaveable?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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