After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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