i may or may not be watching the land before time
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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