It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Drunk is not a location!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
