Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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