HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
