You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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