She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
