im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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