Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
