Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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