I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
