we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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