Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
